Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Black Holes and Gravitational Pulls

The universe is trying to tell me something.  Or, at least the blogger universe is.  I follow a handful of blogs written by fellow autism/ special needs mommies.  Oh, and one written by a daddy.  In the past few days, most of them have had posts relating to one topic.  Call it coincidence.  I think it's bigger than that.  I think it's God telling me I'm not alone.  So I add my own blog post to this common thread circulating around the blogger community, in the hope that someone else, perhaps even you, will read it and know that you're not alone either.

I'm not a big fan of the whole "New Year's Resolution" idea.  I usually skip them--I mean, what's the point in proclaiming something that is only going to result in a guilt-induced overindulgence of that something when you mess up and do (or don't do) that thing you swore you would (or wouldn't) do this year?  Yeah, so I skip the guilt and just don't even resolve to do anything new or different or better in the new year.

But this year, I felt compelled to make a "resolution," if you will.  Not out loud, mind you.  Just in my head.  Well, and to my husband, who looked at me a little funny and reminded me that I don't do resolutions.  But I made one:

This is the year I place my own needs at least as high
 on the triage charts as the needs of the rest of my family.

What does this mean, you ask?  Well, obviously, I want to eat better and get more sleep and try to exercise.  I want to get haircuts when I need them, and buy new makeup and clothes that are actually stylish and fit me right.  I want to replace my threadbare undergarments, because we all know that moms stop buying themselves underwear when they start buying it for their kids.

But I took the biggest and most important step towards the higher-valued me today.  I went to my doctor.  I told her in stumbling, shaky words how everything just feels so big and stressful and out of control right now.  How this veil has been pulled over my days, making everything seem just a little blurry and out of focus, tripping me up as I stumble through the days and nights of autism, anxiety, unemployment, multiple jobs, health concerns, education concerns, IEPs, diets, seizures, and ADHD.  How I am annoyed and angry more often than I am sad, but when the sadness hits, I just want to give in to it and allow myself a total breakdown.  Which makes me more angry.  How I am taking it out on my kids--how I can't stay calm when Munchkin relies on my calmness to keep him from flying off the handle.  How I can't keep Squirrel organized because my own thoughts are a jumbled mess.  How I can't muster the energy to play with them or draw with them or listen to them talk, and how they know I'm not really all there even when I try.  How my husband doesn't know what to say or do, but knows enough to support me when I say I think I'm depressed again.  How I can't fall asleep at night, and when I finally do, I can't stay asleep.  And how I'm SO TIRED during the day.  How I'm not eating much, and what I do eat is not healthy.  How I don't want to leave the house, but the thought of just staying here all day surrounded by this cloud of heaviness makes me even more anxious.  How I think I'm just really stressed, but it's about to cross the line into a serious depression, and I think I need to go back on antidepressants before we get all the way across that line.

I poured all this out, then I took a deep breath and looked up at her hopefully.  And after asking some questions and clarifying a few things, she agreed that I have more than the average amount of "stuff" on my plate and I am certainly a little depressed and a carrying way too much stress.  So I left there with a prescription and a referral to a counselor to talk about how to deal with this stress, since none of it will go away anytime soon.

And tonight I feel a little bit hopeful.  And grateful to all those honest moms and dads out there who are willing to share their stories and expose themselves to help another.  Who aren't afraid to say when they need help, whether it comes in someone to talk to, or a little blue pill, or any other form.  Thank you for being brave enough to write what you're experiencing, and for pushing me to realize where I'm headed before it gets too bad.  

If you've never dealt with depression, you can't understand the way it grabs your mind and takes over.  It taints the way you experience things, the way you understand things, the way you feel things.  At first, it tells you that you're strong enough to deal with anything, that you don't need any help, that you can pull yourself up if you just try harder.  And all the while, it's slowly pulling you into its gravitational field.  And at the center of that field is a big black hole that will destroy you.  

I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager.  This isn't new to me, but sometimes I try to be too independent.  Depression is too strong a beast to be fought alone.  You'll get caught in its gravitational pull and start spiraling towards the center of the black hole.  Do you know what happens to stars in outer space when they get too close to a black hole?  They explode.  They go out in a glorious display of color and light, but then they cease to exist.  I've been really close to that black hole before.  Close enough to think about hurting myself, hurting my children.  Close enough to break down sobbing on the side of the interstate, afraid of the demons in my head telling me how much easier it would be if I just made it all stop.  Because that's what Depression does--at first it tells you that you're fine, but after awhile it changes its tune, and starts to tell you how hopeless and futile life is.  Those were some really dark days, when I was staring right into the vortex of that black hole, waiting for it to suck me in and make me explode.  I never, ever want to go back there.  I want to grab all the help I can get until that veil covering my life right now starts to lift and I can cope with all the things life has handed me again.

And if you feel any of these things, please talk to someone.  Your doctor's a good person to start with.  Depression takes many forms.  For some people, it's crying jags and melancholy that won't lift.  For me, it's anger and annoyance with every little thing, interspersed with an utter indifference to life.  It's body aches and headaches (I actually wondered if I was fighting a flu bug for a few days!)  It's insomnia and fatigue.  And don't be ashamed because you aren't actually Supermomma.  No one else is either.  We deal with a lot just  trying to balance spouses and children, doctors and therapists, schools and daycares, concerns for this day and for the ones to come.  Even the super mommas need someone to keep them from spinning out of control sometimes!


  1. Thanks for sharing so transparently Ellie- what an encouragement on so many levels! I know of a few friends that will really benefit from your blog! Please keep writing, it is wonderful therepy in itself!

  2. Hi Ellie. As one who doesn't believe in things happening for a reason, I am feeling spooked by your blog and how I randomly got to it: I was looking at starkravingmadmommy to get a little humor, as depression is looming large. My 8 year old son, light of my life, has been struggling with anxiety. I have a 22 month old daughter and all of my own mother issues (that strangely didn't surface with my son) drop-kicked me here via PPD. It took a long time to get out of the hole, and now with this stress with my son, I am terrified I am heading back there. I am so glad I found this post. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WASN'T ALONE.

  3. This is a brave and powerful post. Thank you for sharing it with me and with everyone. I echo what was said above: thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone.

  4. Hello,
    I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing my only ever love, I needed help and somewhere to turn quickly. I found a consultant Therapist Oniha from the and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. my love was her old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell Therapist opened her up to how much I loved and cherished her. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened her eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be,you can contact the Therapist on he's very nice and great,oooooh i am so happy.

  5. Me and my boy friend was been separated for a long period of time, I came across different spell casters and they were all unable to bring back my lover. I was so sad and almost gave up on him, when i met a spell caster called Dr.Grant, who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldnt believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his email address to contact him if you need his help

  6. Are you a business man or woman? Are you in Financial,Any stress or do you
    Need funds to start up your own business? Do You Need to settle your Debt
    loan or pay off your bills or start a nice business? Do you have a low
    credit score and you are Finding It Hard To obtain a loan from local banks
    and Other Financial institutes? Do you need a loan or for Any
    Reason Funding
    Such as:
    a) Personal Loan, Business Expansion.
    b) Business Start-up and Education.
    c) Debt Consolidation.
    We offer loan at low Interest rate and with not
    credit check, we offer Personal loan, debt consolidation loan, venture
    capital, business loan, Education Loan, home loan OR "loan for any reason!."

    Note: Any interested Applicants should get back to us by email for further
    information on Our loan program.

    Mr David Mutuku.
    Thanks for your understanding to your contact as we Await.

  7. Am writing this article to appreciate the good work of DR OTIS DARKO that helped me recently to bring back my wife that left me for another man for no reason for the past 3 years. After seeing a post of a woman on the internet testifying of how she was helped by DR OTIS DARKO. I also decided to contact him for help because all i wanted was for me to get my wife, happiness and to make sure that my child grows up with his mother. Am happy today that he helped me and i can proudly say that my wife is now with me again and she is now in love with me like never before. Are you in need of any help in your relationship like getting back your man, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, winning of lotteries, herbal cure for sickness or job promotion E.T.C. Viewers reading my post that needs the help of DR OTIS DARKO should contact him now on his E-mail: CAN ALSO ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

  8. Greetings To Everyone,

    This is my testimony on how I won $3,471,009 million William Deluca, from USA I want to use this opportunity to thank Great DR OTIS DARKO for helping me to win the lottery of $66 million lottery ticket.I have been playing the lottery for the past 5 years now and I have never won. Ever since then I have not been able to win and I was so upset and I need help to win the lottery so I decided to go online and search for help, there I saw so many good testimony about this man called Great DR OTIS DARKO of how he have cast lucky spell lotto for people to win the lottery. I contacted him also and told him I want to win a lottery, he cast a spell for me which I used and I played and won $3,471,009 million dollars. I am so grateful to this man, just in-case you also need him to help you win, you can contact him through his email: and he will surely help you......This is my testimony page as you can go through this it now on how I was given the check OK: . ... HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: as he is so powerful and also he has solution to other problems you must have been facing in life also.....

  9. Attention:

    We all have different reasons why those of us who contacted Otis Darko to help us make our faithful to us some of us did it for lover, because of their children or health condition or even because they wanted not to be alone. For me it was non of those though i love my husband and don’t want to raise our teens alone . The reason why i contacted Otis Darko to help me with a spell truly was because my husband was running for one of the seats in the Riksdag,the national legislative body of Sweden. Now i am not going to say if he won or under what party for security reasons i did not ask for a spell to make him win or something NO i just asked for a spell to make him stop being a chronic Womanizer it was going to affect his campaign. I have lived with him for 20 years and after countless occasions of catching him cheating on me i have come to live with him like that though it hurts to death. I wish i knew all along all those years about Otis the Great spell caster maybe my life would not have been this way. Like i was saying, His womanizing behavior got him into a lot of trouble and if any of those stories where to hit the press it would have destroyed his life and this political career and probably landed him in jail. With all the advise from me and his advisories of his campaigning team it was still not enough to bring him to caution. I went to the extreme to make sure he stops willingly or unwillingly that is i meant with some of his lover and asked to pay them off but they were not ready to let go it. I think he offered them something more that money that even with the amount i offered them, they all refused and believe me it was very surprising and they will turn down a large amount of money. We my husband got to know about it he mad mad at me and gave all sort of threats. I was confused and his opposition were digging to find dirt on him and still was so convinced that they will not find anything but they did only with no evidence that was how lucky we were. Right then i took matters in my hand and contacted Otis Darko with the email address i saw on the internet i contacted him and told him what i want him to do for me to make my husband be faithful to me till our dying day and make all those people looking for how to bring down my husband stop. OK note my husband is a very honest man who would not hurt a fly he was just careless and always picked the wrong kinds of woman that get him in trouble. Otis Darko asked that i provide 4 kind of item me being so careful employed expert to help me get those materials mailed them over to him. I sent a total some of 3000 dollars when converting from Swedish Krona to American dollars. And it much much cheaper if i had asked him to get them for me. But whats done is done. Just after four day sent me a package, not telling its content but is totally harmless and told me how to make the spell effective. I did as he told me and in two my husband somehow magically broke tires with all the women he was involved with i don’t know how it happen and those people trying to kill his political ambition stopped immediately. I wish i knew this Great man all along my life would have been perfect. His campaign team did not understand how i did it and what i did they were just happy all the worse is past. What wow me the most about Otis Darko was that the told me the out come of the election before the election date last years because all this happened last year and just what he said will happen really came to pass. And again i can’t give full info because of security reasons. I little advise for those that are going to contact him via this email: if you are asked for material to do the spell don’t go about it yourself Because you will waste a lot time and money on it and get to see asking him to get them for you with the total cost you wire to him will save you a lot. You have nothing be be afraid you can trust him with anything Because all he does is help people no matter how hard it may be.

  10. Midred Jackson Says

    Am giving this testimony cos am happy

    My name is Midred Jackson from Michigan I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once. when i went to Africa in June 28th 2015 this year on a business summit. i ment a man called DR OTIS DARKO. He is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love’s gone,misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you, bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job.i’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 2 years… i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job. so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. and in 6 days when i returned to taxes, my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married..i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do… well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better. in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help, email address:

    GREAT OTIS DARKO I thank you very much thank you in 1000000 times.. if not you I would have been losted and wasted thank you. Email Him Through his email address...

    please make sure you contact him for any financial difficulties okay..

    What a powerful man such as DR OTIS DARKO.. he is so much powerful..\\ email him for any difficulties.. YOU CAN ALSO ADD US UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

  11. Attention To The Everyone,

    My wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little he could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but a friend of mine came to our rescue by ordering this cannabis oil from Shakes Spear which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good cannabis oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living by chance if you happen to be in need of this cannabis oil you can contact Dr Otis Darko who supplied I and my wife with this email:



    1. Getting your lover or husband back

    2. Spiritual bulletproof

    3. Training

    4. Money spell

    5. Long life spell

    6. Prosperity spell

    7. Protection spell

    8. Get a job spell

    9. Becoming a manager spell

    10. Get a huge loan without paying any fee spell

    11. Getting your scam money back

    12. Child spell

    13. Pregnancy spell

    14. Freedom spell

    15. Love spell

    16, vanishing spell

    17. Invisible human spell

    18. Success or pass spell

    19. Marriage spell

    20. Avenging spell

    21. Popularity spell

    22. Killing spell

    23. Cancer spell

    24. Supernatural power spell

    25. Madness spell

    26. Free house loan spell

    27. Production spell of films and movie

    28. Hiv/aids spell

    29. Tuberculosis spell

    30. Loose weight and body spell

    contact me of any of these problem as I got solution to all... MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS: